For this chapter, we’re going to focus on the choir retreat, and specifically about those non-musical hours spent specifically on building the group’s trust and vulnerability with each other.
One of the activities I like to include in my retreats is “Special Object.” Each member is asked to bring with them a object of special importance to them, and then be willing to share about its meaning. There’s generally a wide mix of sharing – ranging from the last woodworking project with a recently deceased grandparent to the headphones they always wear around their neck because “I really like music.” (Sometimes those are later revealed to be situations where the singer forgot their special object at home…)
The best outcome is when the story is specific, meaningful, and gladly shared. This tracks with what Parker says about story: “Many gatherings would be improved if people were simply asked for their stories.” (210) With that in mind, I’m going to make a slight adjustment to the way I setup this activity this year, in the hopes of drawing out more meaningful stories and more authentic sharing.
I’m going to share my special object at the rehearsal before the retreat. Parker shared that her early toast in the first “15 Toasts” dinner was an effective way to help break the ice and model the vulnerability she sought to inspire in the rest of the gathering. “Early in the gathering, you , the host, need to go there yourself. You need to show them how.” (222) By modeling storytelling ahead of time, I’ll be setting a clearer picture of what a special object story should look like. If it goes to plan, this small adjustment will build trust, will demonstrate vulnerability, and will show everyone how to do it well. I’ll also remind myself: “To get the group to be vulnerable, […] we facilitators needed to share an even more personal story than we expected our clients to. We would set the depth of the group by whatever level we were willing to go to.” (223)
Along with that, there will be a few ground rules. You can’t make your phone your special object. If you forget your special object, you can’t substitute, you’ll just share yours another time. You’ll allow the object to be passed around the room, unless it is too fragile or otherwise impossible to pass. No live animals (a rule from experience). And, because things that “go without saying” should still be said, we will all give undivided attention to the speaker.
Two more environmental tweaks during the actual sharing. First, I’ll plan to bring candles to provide mood lighting, because of the value of “setting the right environment (we always try to do it in private spaces, with low lighting, flickering candles, comforting food, [….]). (202) Second, I’ll compose and teach a brief vamp that will alleviate the distractedness of passing one item while hearing about another item. We’ll sing together as an item gets passed around, and then we’ll begin the next item.
Finally, Parker talks about the ever increasing stress of your turn coming in the 15 Toasts, but she doesn’t talk about the stress that comes when you know for certain that you’re next. When we’re going around in a circle sharing in a group, I often can’t physically hear the person before me, because my blood starts rushing in my ears. Allowing each member to choose who goes next, or perhaps choosing names out of a hat, will alleviate that stress and allow us all to hear everyone (except for the last person, anyhow…).
In the end, the goal is to create trust among the group through appropriate sharing of story. “It is important […] to offer an ‘invitation to intimacy, but depth is a complete choice.'” (224) I think that the Special Object activity is already really effective at building connection, but I think that with these small adjustments, it will be even better.