The fourth section of Dare To Lead is “Shame and Empathy” (it’s the fourth of five sections in Part One, “Rumbling With Vulnerability”). Dr Brown faces head-on the universal experience of shame, and then moves into shame’s antidote, empathy.
This article will unpack the chapter, discuss its implications specifically for choral leaders, and then ask you the questions I’ve been asking myself as I read.
Shame is Pervasive
“85 percent of the people we interviewed could recall a school incident from their childhood that was so shaming, it changed how they thought of themselves as learners.” (132) Shame is pervasive.
“What makes this worse is that approximately half of those recollections were what I refer to as creativity scars. The research participants could point to a specific incident in which they were told or shown that they weren’t good writers, artists, musicians, dancers, or something else creative. The shame tool used in these situations was almost always comparison.” (132)
Whether we think it happens in our choir rehearsals or not, Dr. Brown’s data suggest that we need to take a long look at what shaming looks like, how it might accidentally show up in our rehearsals, and what we can do to get it out. These are lifelong wounds that music educators are potentially inflicting by allowing shame into their classroom. As Dr. Brown says, “School leaders have enormous power and influence, and how they use that power and influence changes people.
A Way Out With Dignity.
Dr. Brown uses an extended quote from Susan Mann to talk about firing people in a way that gives them dignity. This whole section reminded me deeply of the repeated audition result challenges that choral conductors face. Aside from one main difference – we keep seeing our singers after we cast someone else in a role – there are many of the same traps in firing employees and posting audition results. Some suggestions from Mann on pages 133-134:
- “While you’re doing what you need to do, always hold the human in mind.”
- “When you’re delivering the news, be kind. Be clear. Be respectful. Be generous.”
- “Great leaders make tough “people decisions” and are tender in implementing them.”
- What gets in the way?
- “Leaders get defensive [….] I see people stay in their heads and be super rational, citing all the reasons why the decision is correct and justifiable. It’s a form of self-protection.”
- “Giving people a way out with dignity is a bigger investment of time, money, heart, energy.”
Can we agree that holding space to be generous, kind, respectful is challenging in our busy choral programs? But it’s clear from this section that avoiding that is a big shame trigger. And we continue to see the human beings in whom we’ve just triggered shame, unlike Mann’s executives, who have literally just terminated contact.
Empathy As the Antidote to Shame
Dr. Brown describes how shame might show up at work – and it’s the same in school. She says, “in most cases, shame is hidden behind the walls of organizations. It’s not dormant–it’s slowly eating away at innovation, trust, connection, and culture–but it’s tougher to spot.” (131) Among her behavioral cues are: favoritism, gossiping, comparison, self-worth tied to productivity, harassment, bullying, blaming, teasing. Those sound like descriptions I’ve heard of choral, instrumental, and athletic programs…and not the ones I want to emulate!
The antidote, and what we can offer, is empathy. “Empathy is connecting to the feeling under the experience, not the experience itself.” (140) She reassures us that “Empathy is infinite and renewable. The more you give, the more we all have.” (140) Whereas our work is often about solving problems and working towards proficiency, “Empathy isn’t about fixing, it’s the brave choice to be with someone in their darkness–not to race to turn on the light so we feel better.” (142)
“If we share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” (136)
We need to be that “someone” for our students, as often as we can. All teachers should offer this to our students, and each student will need it from different teachers at different times, but arts educators especially need to provide this, because so much of the work we do involves emotional presence and can lead to shame triggers.
The last 20-odd pages of this chapter is filled with lists: the 5 Empathy Skills, 6 Types of Empathy Misses, the 4 Elements of Shame Resilience. These are super-valuable…I’ve got a lot highlighted in my book! But they make up a holistic pieces and are better experienced through the book. I do want to highlight two Empathy Misses that seem like pitfalls to me in our choral world.
The first she calls “The Mighty Fall.” She says, “This happens frequently in childhood and is a huge driver of perfectionism.” (155) In this, if you seek empathy from someone, “your friend needs to think of you as a pillar of worthiness and authenticity. This person can’t help you because they’re so let down by your imperfections.” (154) In an education environment, that might sound like, “I expected more of you, Jane.” Simple, straightforward, shaming.
Second, “If You Think That’s Bad.” In this Empathy Miss, a “person confuses connection with the opportunity to one-up.” (155) I know I’ve been guilty of this empathy-blocking move. When a student is disappointed in an outcome, I share a story from my own life. That can work okay, but it’s easy to cross the line into competing rather than connecting. It’s probably better to keep it to one of Dr. Brown’s simple empathy-expanding phrases: “I’ve been in a similar place and it’s really hard.” (161) Expand to specifics if it’s warranted, but not as a first move: best to always “engage, stay curious, stay connected.” (150)
Honesty as a Shame Trigger
“I’m also not a fan of anything that’s brutal, including honesty. Honesty is the best policy, but honesty that’s motivated by shame, anger, fear, or hurt is not ‘honesty.’ It’s shame, anger fear, or hurt disguised as honesty.” (163)
She gives an example that rings true from adjudications, choral rehearsals, coach speeches I’ve heard about or witnessed: “Sorry. I’m just telling you the truth. These are just the facts.”
We need to have a safe space for honest feedback, but the motivation for that honesty–how we use it–can transform it from constructive to shaming.
Empathy Can Be Learned
“Empathy is not hardwired into our genetic code: We can learn it.” (163)
And it can be taught, too.
Questions
In the wake of posting audition results, how might you hold space for empathy and connection with disappointed students?
What “Empathy Miss” are you most likely to resort to when interacting with a student feeling shame? (152-156)
“We cannot practice empathy if we need to be knowers; if we can’t be learners, we cannot be empathic.” (145) How do you navigate between the need to be the knower as conductor to the need to be the learner in interacting with students?
Did you have a creative shaming experience in music class growing up? How did that affect your approach to being a choral leader?
There’s just one more section in this part of Dare to Lead focusing on ideas of vulnerability and trust. I’ll publish my reflections on Section 5, “Curiosity and Grounded Confidence” on Monday, July 15.